screaminforlife (screaminforlife) wrote in punkersunite,

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Heavans Gates Wont Open up for Me

Have you ever felt confused? Have you ever felt completely alone? Have you ever questioned your own sanity? I lie in bed at night and listen to the same song over and over. I think all through the night, and sometimes listening to myself think makes me do just that. Thats how its been lately. And for those of you who know what happened, you know the shit Im going through right now, 'cause it was the same then. Lately, Ive had no hope. No hope for anything. I look in the mirror and see nothing but a hideous creature looking back at me. Someone whos never good enough. Shes good enough for most people around her, But never good enough for herself. I stare into a mirror for hours, and see nothing but the tears running down my face. The streaks of eyeliner running down my cheek. I dont know who I am anymore. I dont know why I dont know. I just know that I dont know. I dont know who I am . . . Have you ever not known who you are? I feel sos lost and so alone and so empty and theres not a single thing anyone can do to stop it. Why does it seem like Im meant to live a miserable life? Why is it that I dont know why Im so sad? Why is it I was born the way I was? Fucked up and selfish, greedy and malicious, The thoughts that go through my head suprise me sometimes. People tell me Im a great person. But sometimes I think things that make me suspect otherwise. I keep thinking theres somewhere out there where everything is perfect. An alternate universe where everything is perfect. More along the lines I keep hoping theres somewhere out there . . . where everything is perfect . . . I had perfect once ya know. It was perfect to me, but to everyone else I was digging myself into the ground. Yeah thats right. Tjose two weeks were perfect. Ill never be able to describe why I think it was perfect. Ive been asked so many times by so many people "Why was it perfect?" And Ive never been able to answer. The love between me and him, no matter what anyone else can believe or say about the relationship, was something I had never felt before in my life. He got to my heart on the deepest level. Anyways, so life now feels like life after him. Miserable. Alone. Gloomy. Dark. Dangerous. Nothing to do. No where to run. No-one to talk to. Ill never understand my self. I think the one goal in life I have that means the most, is to understand myself. People try to understand me, I try to tell them they never will. If I cant understand myself, how could anyone else?
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